Lessons from Fatherhood & How I Learned to Pee Sitting Down
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Marissa
NOTE: I originally wrote this 6 years ago, my daughters are now 21 & 15. I am celebrating my 22nd father's day - my first one without my own father. With my oldest entering her senior year at NC State, I realize now what my parents experienced as I was also finishing college 30 years ago. In a way, I am entering a new phase of Fatherhood. No longer will I be able to continually protect her as she faces the world ahead of her. Although it is cliche to say "I will never stop worrying about you", the reality is that it is a fact of life when you are a parent. The challenge for me is to channel my worry into the trust. Trust that she is ready to handle the challenges of adulthood and trust that she will seek out my advice whenever she needs it. And for that, I hope I will always be prepared to offer it without reservation.
Based on my oldest daughter's age, I have been a Father for 15 years, which is hard for me to believe. I know this is cliche, but it does only seem like yesterday when she was born as I remember the excitement and the joy. I smile when I recall all the major milestones of our new baby: smiling for the first time, rolling over, and especially sleeping through the night. Since then my wife and I had a second daughter who is 9 this year - making me what I call a D. W. J. D. - Dad With Just Daughters. And quite honestly, I would not want it any other way. I am very fortunate to have several friends who are also D.W.J.D. and share in this blessing. Without a doubt, we are a special breed of Fathers. This Sunday will be my 16th Father's Day, so I started to reflect on the past 15 years. I decided that I would celebrate by writing my thoughts on Fatherhood - a kind of "Lessons Learned." With only a limited decade and a half of experience, I am by no means an expert nor do I claim to be one. To be honest, some of this will be merely my advice and some will be just reflection. A few of my lessons will be "no duh", but maybe some will offer a new perspective There are some that will have a serious tone while some -I hope - will be a bit comical. Regardless, all of it comes from my heart. So here it goes:
Laurel
On becoming a new father:
While your wife is in labor at the hospital, don't drink vending machine coffee at 11PM. Trust me your wife will not want you near her when you are helping her "breath".
In response to number 1, remember to bring your toothbrush to the hospital. Whether you drink bad coffee or not, at some point your breath will become foul and your wife will ask you to brush your teeth. If you forget, a finger with toothpaste works.
When watching the fancy monitor they hook up to your wife to track her contractions, don't say something stupid like "Wow - that looks like a big one." She knows.
Take a moment upon holding your new baby to capture everything in your mind - a sort of memory snapshot. You will treasure that memory every single day after.
Don’t be afraid to change your first diaper – believe it or not, it will become a cherished moment with your baby.
After your wife is able to go out on her own, be willing to give her a break for as much time as she wants & be in charge of the baby. My best memories during the early days with Marissa were spending an entire day alone with her - feeding her, changing her, and simply just holding her. You will earn new respect for motherhood and will look forward to when you can do it again and again.
Be willing to do the late night feedings & allow your wife to sleep. This is especially important if you both work. You will both be tired regardless, but your willingness to share late night responsibilities will help strengthen your relationship and allow you an incredible opportunity to bond with your child. You will soon learn that it is way more exhausting for your wife to nurse a child at 2AM than it is for you to feed her or him a bottle.
Remember all crying babies eventually stop crying – this becomes extremely important as you try to teach your baby to sleep through the night. It takes patience and mutual support of both parents. Be Strong! One important thing we learned with a new born was that the best way to minimize the sound of your baby crying is to turn the baby monitor volume way down.
With a new born baby you will be afraid to make mistakes - DO NOT BE. Babies are more resilient than you think and even more forgiving. The caveat to this is don't be stupid either. It's a difficult balance for many - especially new fathers.
Don't forget to find time to spend alone with your wife.
On continuing to be a father
Don’t be afraid to be a kid again. That is perhaps the best reward of parenthood – to be young & foolish as a child. One of the best compliments I’ve received from my wife (out of her comical frustration) was when she said she was a single parent of two (and now 3).
There will be a time when your little girl (or boy) is no longer little. Don’t become discouraged – they still want and need the love and comfort of a father. Always be ready to offer it - especially when its asked of you.
If your situation allows it, consider becoming a “Stay-At-Home-Dad” it was the best thing I ever did & the best job I ever had. (See Below)
If you have more than one child, recognize that you are raising two different people. What works with one may not (and probably won’t) work with the other. It still amazes me that despite looking so much alike, that my two daughters are very different from one another.
As your child grows look for opportunities to spend one-on-one time with them. Allow yourself to be completely focused on spending time with them, doing something that brings you both joy – it will be the start of years of memories. A good opportunity to do this is with the YMCA Indian Princess (for Father/Daughters) & Guides (Father/Son) programs. When Marissa was 5 until she was 8, we participated in one and had a blast. I highly recommend participating in these programs if one exists in your community. Now Marissa and I watch movies together while Laurel and I ride our bikes together.
Read aloud to your child! And continue to read to your child! Let your child see you read too. I cannot stress how much this means to them & how much they and you will get from it. Read! Read! & Read!
Sing to your child! It doesn’t matter if you can’t sing – do it anyway. Music is a wonderful gift to share with your child.
When it comes to sharing music with your children, I highly encourage starting them out with the classics - I chose the Beatles! They love them. One of Marissa’s favorite shirts is her Abbey Road one. When we visited London, they had as much fun as Lisa and I walking across the famous crosswalk.
As your child starts to form opinions on the type of music they enjoy, listen to it with them. Show an interest and learn about the musicians and artists that they like. It may not be your preferred genre of music and you may really dislike it. That's okay. But then again, you may discover something new that you do enjoy and quite possibly a way to continue bonding with your child.
If you allow your children to watch TV as they get older – watch it with them & become interested in the shows they love – try not to judge them.
On Being a "Stay-At-Home-Dad"
When we moved to our new home in North Carolina in 2005, I had an opportunity to become a Stay-At-Home-Dad, which I did until I went back to work in 2008. I really can not say enough on how great it was to do this. Quite honestly it was the best career change decision I ever made. Perhaps this video I made in 2006 best summarizes the fun I had.
Laurel and Marissa
On Being a D.W.J.D.
For many years I have joked that I wanted to start a special support group for D.W.J.D. Sort of a 12-Step Program where everyone sits in a circle and introduces themselves:
"Hi, my name is Dave. It's been 15 years since I have made a decision in my home."
"Hi Dave"
In some ways I have that with my D.W.J.D. circle of friends. We laugh about the challenges of daughters (especially teenage ones) and the whip-liked state we willingly - though some will not admit it - embrace. You can always tell a D.W.J.D. because we all tend to have that same confused expression on our face that looks like we're saying "What the hell just happened?" Nevertheless, we love it and would not want it any other way.
I will end by offering this critical piece of Fatherhood advice for any man who finds himself blessed with a wife and a household of daughters:
LEARN TO PEE SITTING DOWN – YOU GET USE TO IT!
Happy Father's Day to all Fathers out there.
The Family